My First international Adventure

So we are just 3 days away from our great adventure to celebrate our 25th anniversary.  Not to say that the first 25 years haven't held many adventures of their own, but these will be my first on foreign soil. I am excited to see what the world has to teach me.  I am excited for what the world has to feed me.  I am excited for the things I will learn about myself.  I have a paper journal Tim gifted to me that I will be using as well.  This format will give me an opportunity to add pictures to the day's thoughts.  Let the adventure begin.

Gifts of Circumstance

The following is a post I made a year ago.  It must be something with the time of year that makes me think of these things again.  I have been thinking a lot lately about how blessed I am in many ways.  I recently saw an ad for kitchen cabinets and counters touting how "you can have the home of your dreams".  I have been thinking lately about what that actually looks like to different people in the world.  Much of what I have everyday would be considered by many in the world to be at the level of "home of my dreams".  I pray everyday that I don't take any of it for granted.  
September 3, 2017

Today I feel so blessed that the place I call home is not just for survival. It is not just a shelter from the weather. It is a place that I can surround with grass and flowers and trees. It is a place that I can move from one room to another and close a door for privacy if I want. It is a place that I can decorate and clean and re-organize. It is a place with indoor plumbing. It is a place where I can go open a cupboard or my fridge and choose what I want to eat. It is a place that has hot water on demand. I have a closet full of clothing to wear and various styles of shoes, and coats (plural, I have coats) to wear when it gets cold. I have bookshelves full of books, and music to fill the silence if I choose. I have a warm, comfortable bed to crawl into each night with more pillows than I really need. I have a car that is in great working condition. And so does my husband. And we have a third car that our son drives.

I could go on. I am blessed. By many people's standards I live a middle income life. But to many more people in the world, I look to live the life that is full of luxuries they can only imagine. I was blessed to be born in this country. I was blessed to be born to good parents. I was blessed that my parents were never financially in a situation to make us homeless. I was blessed to have access to education. I am blessed to live in a country where there is peace.

There is nothing that I did as a child that would have made these things so. These were gifts of circumstance. I have taken these gifts and built my life on them.

I hope that we can all be aware of how much where we are, what we have, and who we are depends on our gifts of circumstance. I hope that we are more understanding of those around us whose gifts of circumstance do not come so easily.

The Power of "YET"

At work we have been learning a new approach to teaching and disciplining and interacting with students referred to as conscious discipline.  One of the best things I am seeing implemented is called the power of "yet".  When a child/student is frustrated because they don't understand something or can't do something - we respond with "You can't do it "yet"." The permission that instantly gives a child to be ok with not knowing something right that moment is hard to explain.  The hope that gives them can be read in the subtle change of their facial expression and a deep exhale. They realize they still hold the power to accomplish the task ahead.  They just haven't "yet".

Knowing there are possibilities ahead and that we are not trapped in the present is a powerful thing.  It isn't just a good reminder for the kids I work with each day.  It is a great change of perspective for me everyday.  I can always be working toward those things I don't understand or am still trying to master.

The power of "yet" keeps me from beating myself up for things I have not conquered today.  It reminds me that I can be better tomorrow. It gives me incentive to dig in and try harder.

Because, who knows what I haven't accomplished "yet"?

Gratitude: The Best Perspective

I was inspired today by a blog post I read.  The woman writing it was looking at her kitchen from the perspective of gratitude. People had mentioned that she needed to remodel it after she had posted a picture of herself in the kitchen.  After she looked at it again she had a new appreciation for everything it had and the happy memories made in that kitchen.  I feel like it is time for me to start journaling again on a daily basis and gratitude has always been a great focus for me. I have SO much to be grateful for in my life. I need that to be the lens I look through to see the world each day.

I Will Be A Breast Cancer Survivor

I had changed my blog to private up until this point.  I didn't want anyone outside of our family accidentally telling the kids about my diagnosis before I did.  At some point I may take it back off of private.
On May 17, 2016 I found out that I will add "breast cancer survivor" to my resume.  That is the only way to look at it.
I was diagnosed with invasive ductile carcinoma.  As I lie here fighting some wicked stomach bug sucking on Otterpops I am mentally preparing for surgery in a couple days.  A lumpectomy followed by a search and recover operation for a radiated sentinel lymph node.  Then the wait begins for the pathology report.  We are praying for an all clear on the lymph nodes.  If they aren't I will have chemo in my future most likely.

Results Before I am Ready

So now that I have sat here and got all my thoughts of the last couple weeks out I am left with a bit of a dilemma.  The hospital and all it's doctors and departments have made it possible for me to access my reports and letters and results on a web portal.  It has been handy to not have to file papers or keep track of letters for insurance etc.
But,
This morning I noticed I got an email saying I had new information available in the portal.  Everything I have had done is already in there.  Except for the pathology report.  I am not sure what I am thinking/hoping/assuming it is going to say.  I am not sure I want to find out what it says this way.  I find it odd that they would post it to a patient portal before the doctor's appointment where they are going to discuss how you are going to go forward with what ever it says.
Do I want to be prepared ahead of time knowing the results before the appointment?  Will that help me decide how much time I want to take off that day?  If it's positive will it tell me what kind of cell gone wild I am dealing with?
I don't want to have cancer.  I have seen several scenarios of how that looks. Some up close and personal and not pretty or kind.  Even if I have a small contained mass that is taken care of with one simple surgery - doesn't this mean my body is harboring other rebellious cells that may go haywire in the future.
If it is inconclusive I am guessing they will want to take it out anyway.  If it is benign do I feel relief or paranoia?
I just don't know if I am ready to know the answer yet.

*just checked - it wasn't the pathology report

Who Knew a Breast Could Bleed That Much

So Tuesday May 10 was the biopsy.  After changing into the standard cotton gown with an unattractive pattern (who picks these fabrics anyway?) I lay down and wait for the ultrasound tech to find the spot we are going to shoot for. (literally - the biopsy needle shoots into the spot they take the sample from).  Since the ultrasound tech and the radiologist are men there is another tech that has come in with me and is getting me set up.  She tells me she is the "woman" in the room.  Which is handy when my feet are cold and I ask if she might have a blanket to put over me and she doesn't even ask why I might be cold.
The tech takes several minutes to find the spot we are looking for.  Radiologist comes in and they concur they are in the right spot.  He shows me the loud click the needle will make each time they take a sample.  He also tell me how they will numb everything up first.....with a needle.  Even though I was warned I still startle at the first sample taking.  After sample two he must have struck oil because I start to bleed.  Apologies for the impending hematoma I will most likely proud owner of later.  After sample three they decide that will do it and then one more needle poke to put in a titanium marker for mammography and such to see later.  At this time the tech is holding a shortstack of gauze pads on my breast with enough pressure that he feels the need to apologize as well.  I look down at my breast for the first time since they started with all the needles only to see the amount of bleeding exacerbated by the ultrasound gel.  I say "oh my" until I realize it looks worse than it is because of the gel.  At which point I realize more people have seen or touched my breasts in the last few weeks that in many years previous.
In the days the top half of my breast has turned multiple shades of colors.  Each day seems to let one color in particular have the spotlight.  Yellow, blue and green have been pretty popular but a deep purple has now taken center stage.
I then get to step down the hall to have another mammogram taken to assure they poked a hole in the right tissue.  I get to change from gown back to supergirl cape for this procedure. (do they really need the rooms this chilly?)  Mammo confirms my marker (which I am assured will not set off metal detectors) is indeed in the right spot.
Now I wait for the next appointment in a week.