So now that I have sat here and got all my thoughts of the last couple weeks out I am left with a bit of a dilemma. The hospital and all it's doctors and departments have made it possible for me to access my reports and letters and results on a web portal. It has been handy to not have to file papers or keep track of letters for insurance etc.
But,
This morning I noticed I got an email saying I had new information available in the portal. Everything I have had done is already in there. Except for the pathology report. I am not sure what I am thinking/hoping/assuming it is going to say. I am not sure I want to find out what it says this way. I find it odd that they would post it to a patient portal before the doctor's appointment where they are going to discuss how you are going to go forward with what ever it says.
Do I want to be prepared ahead of time knowing the results before the appointment? Will that help me decide how much time I want to take off that day? If it's positive will it tell me what kind of cell gone wild I am dealing with?
I don't want to have cancer. I have seen several scenarios of how that looks. Some up close and personal and not pretty or kind. Even if I have a small contained mass that is taken care of with one simple surgery - doesn't this mean my body is harboring other rebellious cells that may go haywire in the future.
If it is inconclusive I am guessing they will want to take it out anyway. If it is benign do I feel relief or paranoia?
I just don't know if I am ready to know the answer yet.
*just checked - it wasn't the pathology report
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