I had changed my blog to private up until this point. I didn't want anyone outside of our family accidentally telling the kids about my diagnosis before I did. At some point I may take it back off of private.
On May 17, 2016 I found out that I will add "breast cancer survivor" to my resume. That is the only way to look at it.
I was diagnosed with invasive ductile carcinoma. As I lie here fighting some wicked stomach bug sucking on Otterpops I am mentally preparing for surgery in a couple days. A lumpectomy followed by a search and recover operation for a radiated sentinel lymph node. Then the wait begins for the pathology report. We are praying for an all clear on the lymph nodes. If they aren't I will have chemo in my future most likely.
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
Saturday, May 14, 2016
Results Before I am Ready
So now that I have sat here and got all my thoughts of the last couple weeks out I am left with a bit of a dilemma. The hospital and all it's doctors and departments have made it possible for me to access my reports and letters and results on a web portal. It has been handy to not have to file papers or keep track of letters for insurance etc.
But,
This morning I noticed I got an email saying I had new information available in the portal. Everything I have had done is already in there. Except for the pathology report. I am not sure what I am thinking/hoping/assuming it is going to say. I am not sure I want to find out what it says this way. I find it odd that they would post it to a patient portal before the doctor's appointment where they are going to discuss how you are going to go forward with what ever it says.
Do I want to be prepared ahead of time knowing the results before the appointment? Will that help me decide how much time I want to take off that day? If it's positive will it tell me what kind of cell gone wild I am dealing with?
I don't want to have cancer. I have seen several scenarios of how that looks. Some up close and personal and not pretty or kind. Even if I have a small contained mass that is taken care of with one simple surgery - doesn't this mean my body is harboring other rebellious cells that may go haywire in the future.
If it is inconclusive I am guessing they will want to take it out anyway. If it is benign do I feel relief or paranoia?
I just don't know if I am ready to know the answer yet.
*just checked - it wasn't the pathology report
But,
This morning I noticed I got an email saying I had new information available in the portal. Everything I have had done is already in there. Except for the pathology report. I am not sure what I am thinking/hoping/assuming it is going to say. I am not sure I want to find out what it says this way. I find it odd that they would post it to a patient portal before the doctor's appointment where they are going to discuss how you are going to go forward with what ever it says.
Do I want to be prepared ahead of time knowing the results before the appointment? Will that help me decide how much time I want to take off that day? If it's positive will it tell me what kind of cell gone wild I am dealing with?
I don't want to have cancer. I have seen several scenarios of how that looks. Some up close and personal and not pretty or kind. Even if I have a small contained mass that is taken care of with one simple surgery - doesn't this mean my body is harboring other rebellious cells that may go haywire in the future.
If it is inconclusive I am guessing they will want to take it out anyway. If it is benign do I feel relief or paranoia?
I just don't know if I am ready to know the answer yet.
*just checked - it wasn't the pathology report
Who Knew a Breast Could Bleed That Much
So Tuesday May 10 was the biopsy. After changing into the standard cotton gown with an unattractive pattern (who picks these fabrics anyway?) I lay down and wait for the ultrasound tech to find the spot we are going to shoot for. (literally - the biopsy needle shoots into the spot they take the sample from). Since the ultrasound tech and the radiologist are men there is another tech that has come in with me and is getting me set up. She tells me she is the "woman" in the room. Which is handy when my feet are cold and I ask if she might have a blanket to put over me and she doesn't even ask why I might be cold.
The tech takes several minutes to find the spot we are looking for. Radiologist comes in and they concur they are in the right spot. He shows me the loud click the needle will make each time they take a sample. He also tell me how they will numb everything up first.....with a needle. Even though I was warned I still startle at the first sample taking. After sample two he must have struck oil because I start to bleed. Apologies for the impending hematoma I will most likely proud owner of later. After sample three they decide that will do it and then one more needle poke to put in a titanium marker for mammography and such to see later. At this time the tech is holding a shortstack of gauze pads on my breast with enough pressure that he feels the need to apologize as well. I look down at my breast for the first time since they started with all the needles only to see the amount of bleeding exacerbated by the ultrasound gel. I say "oh my" until I realize it looks worse than it is because of the gel. At which point I realize more people have seen or touched my breasts in the last few weeks that in many years previous.
In the days the top half of my breast has turned multiple shades of colors. Each day seems to let one color in particular have the spotlight. Yellow, blue and green have been pretty popular but a deep purple has now taken center stage.
I then get to step down the hall to have another mammogram taken to assure they poked a hole in the right tissue. I get to change from gown back to supergirl cape for this procedure. (do they really need the rooms this chilly?) Mammo confirms my marker (which I am assured will not set off metal detectors) is indeed in the right spot.
Now I wait for the next appointment in a week.
The tech takes several minutes to find the spot we are looking for. Radiologist comes in and they concur they are in the right spot. He shows me the loud click the needle will make each time they take a sample. He also tell me how they will numb everything up first.....with a needle. Even though I was warned I still startle at the first sample taking. After sample two he must have struck oil because I start to bleed. Apologies for the impending hematoma I will most likely proud owner of later. After sample three they decide that will do it and then one more needle poke to put in a titanium marker for mammography and such to see later. At this time the tech is holding a shortstack of gauze pads on my breast with enough pressure that he feels the need to apologize as well. I look down at my breast for the first time since they started with all the needles only to see the amount of bleeding exacerbated by the ultrasound gel. I say "oh my" until I realize it looks worse than it is because of the gel. At which point I realize more people have seen or touched my breasts in the last few weeks that in many years previous.
In the days the top half of my breast has turned multiple shades of colors. Each day seems to let one color in particular have the spotlight. Yellow, blue and green have been pretty popular but a deep purple has now taken center stage.
I then get to step down the hall to have another mammogram taken to assure they poked a hole in the right tissue. I get to change from gown back to supergirl cape for this procedure. (do they really need the rooms this chilly?) Mammo confirms my marker (which I am assured will not set off metal detectors) is indeed in the right spot.
Now I wait for the next appointment in a week.
Step 2 - The Consult
Tim came with me to the appointment with Dr Keeler (surgeon). In a nutshell my mass/tumor/spot whatever you call it - is looking "highly suspicious" and is spiculated in shape. I had never even heard that word before. Basically it's pointy like a star. In conversation he drew the three main shapes of tumors and this one tends to be cancer. Biopsy to be scheduled and then back to visit with him a week later for the next step is the plan. I really don't like limbo I have decided.
It's Nothing Until It's Something
It started innocent enough. An appointment for a mammogram. I have a couple before. I have had a "come back in so we can take some more pictures" appointment before. So, when I got the call a few days later that they wanted to take a few more pictures of my right breast I didn't think about it much.
Within an hour, it became something I am thinking about now.
It started with more specific views of an area up high on my breast. Technician leaves room to consult with radiologist. A few minutes later she is back. Radiologist wants to have ultrasound images. We walk down the hall and enter a room where the ultrasound technician is sitting and waiting for us. I am impressed with their efficiency. I lay on the bed and the technician begins scanning.
"Do you feel that?" she asks me. Feel what? I am thinking. She says she can feel the lump under her wand. She shows me where and I feel it. I definitely feel "something". But in all honesty I tell her that in a self breast exam I don't know that I would have thought twice about it. It doesn't feel like the round pea or marble they talk about. It feels "lumpy" and fibrous like the rest of the landscape of my breasts. But I do feel it.
She leaves to go consult with the radiologist and while she is gone I start some symmetry research. "Well crap." The feel of the lump is not the same in both breasts. The pit of my stomach is beginning to feel the weight of the moment.
Radiologist and tech walk back in. "We have found something" he says. He is sending records over to my doctor, recommending a biopsy and I should get a call in a few days. He explains 3 different methods of sticking a needle or cutting into my breast (one sounds much like a car during an oil change). After a few moments of question and answer he leaves. I change out of my supergirl cape with the two snaps and go wander the aisles of Walmart. My mind wanders as I try to remember the short list of groceries I had needed to pick up.
How am I going to start this conversation with Tim, the kids, friends, family? I feel a responsibility to be calm and positive for them more than me.
It's nothing until it's something.
Within an hour, it became something I am thinking about now.
It started with more specific views of an area up high on my breast. Technician leaves room to consult with radiologist. A few minutes later she is back. Radiologist wants to have ultrasound images. We walk down the hall and enter a room where the ultrasound technician is sitting and waiting for us. I am impressed with their efficiency. I lay on the bed and the technician begins scanning.
"Do you feel that?" she asks me. Feel what? I am thinking. She says she can feel the lump under her wand. She shows me where and I feel it. I definitely feel "something". But in all honesty I tell her that in a self breast exam I don't know that I would have thought twice about it. It doesn't feel like the round pea or marble they talk about. It feels "lumpy" and fibrous like the rest of the landscape of my breasts. But I do feel it.
She leaves to go consult with the radiologist and while she is gone I start some symmetry research. "Well crap." The feel of the lump is not the same in both breasts. The pit of my stomach is beginning to feel the weight of the moment.
Radiologist and tech walk back in. "We have found something" he says. He is sending records over to my doctor, recommending a biopsy and I should get a call in a few days. He explains 3 different methods of sticking a needle or cutting into my breast (one sounds much like a car during an oil change). After a few moments of question and answer he leaves. I change out of my supergirl cape with the two snaps and go wander the aisles of Walmart. My mind wanders as I try to remember the short list of groceries I had needed to pick up.
How am I going to start this conversation with Tim, the kids, friends, family? I feel a responsibility to be calm and positive for them more than me.
It's nothing until it's something.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)