My First international Adventure

So we are just 3 days away from our great adventure to celebrate our 25th anniversary.  Not to say that the first 25 years haven't held many adventures of their own, but these will be my first on foreign soil. I am excited to see what the world has to teach me.  I am excited for what the world has to feed me.  I am excited for the things I will learn about myself.  I have a paper journal Tim gifted to me that I will be using as well.  This format will give me an opportunity to add pictures to the day's thoughts.  Let the adventure begin.

Gifts of Circumstance

The following is a post I made a year ago.  It must be something with the time of year that makes me think of these things again.  I have been thinking a lot lately about how blessed I am in many ways.  I recently saw an ad for kitchen cabinets and counters touting how "you can have the home of your dreams".  I have been thinking lately about what that actually looks like to different people in the world.  Much of what I have everyday would be considered by many in the world to be at the level of "home of my dreams".  I pray everyday that I don't take any of it for granted.  
September 3, 2017

Today I feel so blessed that the place I call home is not just for survival. It is not just a shelter from the weather. It is a place that I can surround with grass and flowers and trees. It is a place that I can move from one room to another and close a door for privacy if I want. It is a place that I can decorate and clean and re-organize. It is a place with indoor plumbing. It is a place where I can go open a cupboard or my fridge and choose what I want to eat. It is a place that has hot water on demand. I have a closet full of clothing to wear and various styles of shoes, and coats (plural, I have coats) to wear when it gets cold. I have bookshelves full of books, and music to fill the silence if I choose. I have a warm, comfortable bed to crawl into each night with more pillows than I really need. I have a car that is in great working condition. And so does my husband. And we have a third car that our son drives.

I could go on. I am blessed. By many people's standards I live a middle income life. But to many more people in the world, I look to live the life that is full of luxuries they can only imagine. I was blessed to be born in this country. I was blessed to be born to good parents. I was blessed that my parents were never financially in a situation to make us homeless. I was blessed to have access to education. I am blessed to live in a country where there is peace.

There is nothing that I did as a child that would have made these things so. These were gifts of circumstance. I have taken these gifts and built my life on them.

I hope that we can all be aware of how much where we are, what we have, and who we are depends on our gifts of circumstance. I hope that we are more understanding of those around us whose gifts of circumstance do not come so easily.

The Power of "YET"

At work we have been learning a new approach to teaching and disciplining and interacting with students referred to as conscious discipline.  One of the best things I am seeing implemented is called the power of "yet".  When a child/student is frustrated because they don't understand something or can't do something - we respond with "You can't do it "yet"." The permission that instantly gives a child to be ok with not knowing something right that moment is hard to explain.  The hope that gives them can be read in the subtle change of their facial expression and a deep exhale. They realize they still hold the power to accomplish the task ahead.  They just haven't "yet".

Knowing there are possibilities ahead and that we are not trapped in the present is a powerful thing.  It isn't just a good reminder for the kids I work with each day.  It is a great change of perspective for me everyday.  I can always be working toward those things I don't understand or am still trying to master.

The power of "yet" keeps me from beating myself up for things I have not conquered today.  It reminds me that I can be better tomorrow. It gives me incentive to dig in and try harder.

Because, who knows what I haven't accomplished "yet"?

Gratitude: The Best Perspective

I was inspired today by a blog post I read.  The woman writing it was looking at her kitchen from the perspective of gratitude. People had mentioned that she needed to remodel it after she had posted a picture of herself in the kitchen.  After she looked at it again she had a new appreciation for everything it had and the happy memories made in that kitchen.  I feel like it is time for me to start journaling again on a daily basis and gratitude has always been a great focus for me. I have SO much to be grateful for in my life. I need that to be the lens I look through to see the world each day.

I Will Be A Breast Cancer Survivor

I had changed my blog to private up until this point.  I didn't want anyone outside of our family accidentally telling the kids about my diagnosis before I did.  At some point I may take it back off of private.
On May 17, 2016 I found out that I will add "breast cancer survivor" to my resume.  That is the only way to look at it.
I was diagnosed with invasive ductile carcinoma.  As I lie here fighting some wicked stomach bug sucking on Otterpops I am mentally preparing for surgery in a couple days.  A lumpectomy followed by a search and recover operation for a radiated sentinel lymph node.  Then the wait begins for the pathology report.  We are praying for an all clear on the lymph nodes.  If they aren't I will have chemo in my future most likely.

Results Before I am Ready

So now that I have sat here and got all my thoughts of the last couple weeks out I am left with a bit of a dilemma.  The hospital and all it's doctors and departments have made it possible for me to access my reports and letters and results on a web portal.  It has been handy to not have to file papers or keep track of letters for insurance etc.
But,
This morning I noticed I got an email saying I had new information available in the portal.  Everything I have had done is already in there.  Except for the pathology report.  I am not sure what I am thinking/hoping/assuming it is going to say.  I am not sure I want to find out what it says this way.  I find it odd that they would post it to a patient portal before the doctor's appointment where they are going to discuss how you are going to go forward with what ever it says.
Do I want to be prepared ahead of time knowing the results before the appointment?  Will that help me decide how much time I want to take off that day?  If it's positive will it tell me what kind of cell gone wild I am dealing with?
I don't want to have cancer.  I have seen several scenarios of how that looks. Some up close and personal and not pretty or kind.  Even if I have a small contained mass that is taken care of with one simple surgery - doesn't this mean my body is harboring other rebellious cells that may go haywire in the future.
If it is inconclusive I am guessing they will want to take it out anyway.  If it is benign do I feel relief or paranoia?
I just don't know if I am ready to know the answer yet.

*just checked - it wasn't the pathology report

Who Knew a Breast Could Bleed That Much

So Tuesday May 10 was the biopsy.  After changing into the standard cotton gown with an unattractive pattern (who picks these fabrics anyway?) I lay down and wait for the ultrasound tech to find the spot we are going to shoot for. (literally - the biopsy needle shoots into the spot they take the sample from).  Since the ultrasound tech and the radiologist are men there is another tech that has come in with me and is getting me set up.  She tells me she is the "woman" in the room.  Which is handy when my feet are cold and I ask if she might have a blanket to put over me and she doesn't even ask why I might be cold.
The tech takes several minutes to find the spot we are looking for.  Radiologist comes in and they concur they are in the right spot.  He shows me the loud click the needle will make each time they take a sample.  He also tell me how they will numb everything up first.....with a needle.  Even though I was warned I still startle at the first sample taking.  After sample two he must have struck oil because I start to bleed.  Apologies for the impending hematoma I will most likely proud owner of later.  After sample three they decide that will do it and then one more needle poke to put in a titanium marker for mammography and such to see later.  At this time the tech is holding a shortstack of gauze pads on my breast with enough pressure that he feels the need to apologize as well.  I look down at my breast for the first time since they started with all the needles only to see the amount of bleeding exacerbated by the ultrasound gel.  I say "oh my" until I realize it looks worse than it is because of the gel.  At which point I realize more people have seen or touched my breasts in the last few weeks that in many years previous.
In the days the top half of my breast has turned multiple shades of colors.  Each day seems to let one color in particular have the spotlight.  Yellow, blue and green have been pretty popular but a deep purple has now taken center stage.
I then get to step down the hall to have another mammogram taken to assure they poked a hole in the right tissue.  I get to change from gown back to supergirl cape for this procedure. (do they really need the rooms this chilly?)  Mammo confirms my marker (which I am assured will not set off metal detectors) is indeed in the right spot.
Now I wait for the next appointment in a week.

Step 2 - The Consult

Tim came with me to the appointment with Dr Keeler (surgeon).  In a nutshell my mass/tumor/spot whatever you call it - is looking "highly suspicious" and is spiculated in shape.  I had never even heard that word before.  Basically it's pointy like a star.  In conversation he drew the three main shapes of tumors and this one tends to be cancer.  Biopsy to be scheduled and then back to visit with him a week later for the next step is the plan.  I really don't like limbo I have decided.

It's Nothing Until It's Something

It started innocent enough.  An appointment for a mammogram.  I have a couple before.  I have had a "come back in so we can take some more pictures" appointment before.  So, when I got the call a few days later that they wanted to take a few more pictures of my right breast I didn't think about it much.

Within an hour, it became something I am thinking about now.

It started with more specific views of an area up high on my breast.  Technician leaves room to consult with radiologist.  A few minutes later she is back.  Radiologist wants to have ultrasound images.  We walk down the hall and enter a room where the ultrasound technician is sitting and waiting for us.  I am impressed with their efficiency.  I lay on the bed and the technician begins scanning.
"Do you feel that?" she asks me.  Feel what? I am thinking. She says she can feel the lump under her wand.  She shows me where and I feel it.  I definitely feel "something".  But in all honesty I tell her that in a self breast exam I don't know that I would have thought twice about it.  It doesn't feel like the round pea or marble they talk about.  It feels "lumpy" and fibrous like the rest of the landscape of my breasts.  But I do feel it.
She leaves to go consult with the radiologist and while she is gone I start some symmetry research.  "Well crap."  The feel of the lump is not the same in both breasts.  The pit of my stomach is beginning to feel the weight of the moment.
Radiologist and tech walk back in.  "We have found something" he says.  He is sending records over to my doctor, recommending a biopsy and I should get a call in a few days.  He explains 3 different methods of sticking a needle or cutting into my breast (one sounds much like a car during an oil change).  After a few moments of question and answer he leaves.  I change out of my supergirl cape with the two snaps and go wander the aisles of Walmart.  My mind wanders as I try to remember the short list of groceries I had needed to pick up.
How am I going to start this conversation with Tim, the kids, friends, family?  I feel a responsibility to be calm and positive for them more than me.
It's nothing until it's something.

Us and Them

For whatever reason I haven't written for almost a year. It has been a very full year.  I have been thinking a lot lately about things going on in the world.  Poverty, war, greed, discrimination, genocide, and apathy.  I have decided that all these things have one thing in common at their center.  We are US and they are THEM.  Regardless of who is considered US or THEM.

As human beings it is more convenient to separate ourselves from others that we don't understand or with whom we feel uncomfortable being in the same room. This is even easier when those people look different, sound different, or live differently than us.  Easier if we can say "that would never be me." That we are worthy of love and compassion but they are not, because they are not us.  We don't want what we consider to be bad to look like us. That opens the possibility that we also have the same thread in our fabric. That we too are infallible, and imperfect, and not in control of our lives.
 
But for the grace of God, there go I.

I have noticed as well, that when we decide that we all are in this together. Regardless of what name we call God, what shade our skin, or what dialect we use to tell our families that we love them. That we begin to have a little more compassion.  A little more empathy.  A little more forgiveness. We reach out with an open hand instead of lashing out with a fist.  We choose to make the world better instead of protecting just our corner of it.  We see every other human being as simply a brother, a sister, a son, a daughter, a father, or a mother.  We understand that it could just as easily in different circumstances be us on the other side of the evening news.  We know that a mother's sorrow is universal.   And we try each day to do what we can to make the lives we touch better than we found them.
Because we are all US, and we are all THEM.

Routine

I love sleeping in and not keeping to a schedule.  But in some weird way it is comforting to go back to a routine the majority of the week.  What is wrong with me?

Smooth Transitions

I am so thankful for things going smoothly. Especially when you are prepared the whole time for it to be really stressful and rocky. It is amazing how one little thing can put in motion a completely different outcome.

I Stand All Amazed

8/18/13
Almost 7 years ago on September 6 on the first Sunday of the month, my mom passed away less than two months after being diagnosed with cancer.  I  found out that she had died when I received a phone call at church from my sister. We were singing the hymn "I Stand All Amazed" when I was told there was a call for me from my sister about my mom. I knew immediately what that call was about. As I stood in the hallway and talked to my sister I could hear the rest of the song being sung in the background. It was the perfect song for the moment and for my mother.
Every year since she died, within a couple weeks of the anniversary of her death that song is on the program to be sung. Today it was the sacrament hymn. The person that chooses the songs each week has no idea of the meaning of that song for me, or of the timing of it being chosen for the program. And the person making those decisions has changed more than once in the last 7 years.  But every year it is a comforting reminder that my Heavenly Father knows me. Knows my sorrows, my worries, and my joy. And above all else that he loves me.
I do most definitely stand all amazed.
8/19/13 - When talking to my sisters about this, I learned that they had sung this song as well the same Sunday.  Although it held no special meaning for them to sing it. But in learning we had all been singing it at the same time it made it even more of a comfort that our Heavenly Father is aware of all of us.

Parental Tech Support

I am so thankful for friends and family that support and strengthen my job as a parent.  I love that they are open enough to share their own struggles with the hard days that come.  I think too many people think they stand alone, and assume that they are the only one with a child that is finding their own way.  Too many assume that everyone else's family has it all figured out.  We are all together in this job we call parenting.  We all started in the mail room, and we are each others tech support.  No one got the deluxe model that came with the multi-lingual instruction manual.  No one got a map, or GPS, or child raising app updates, or a lifetime warranty.  We just willingly got on the roller coaster and clicked the tiny metal buckle. Sometimes we wave our hands wildly trying to get someone's attention in hopes of having them stop the ride.  Sometimes we just close our eyes and hang on.  And in between those moments we have courage and faith that helps us let go and hold our hands above our heads and smile.  Because we know it is worth it.

 Our children take a little piece of our heart when they are born, and walk around with it for the rest of their lives.  And we don't ever get to put it back.

A Whole Week

I haven't posted for a week?  Wow I must be having some spectacular living going on.  Well, maybe not, but I am loving the beauty of the regular everyday stuff that I have had a chance to do.

Timing

Timing is everything.  And I am so thankful today for the great timing of things in my life.  Because I have realized that timing is one of those things we think we can control - but most of the time we can't.  At all.  So when it works in my favor, I am really grateful.

Sports Car Pedicure

I don't know what it is about red nail polish that looks so fancy, but it does.  I used to always wear pink polish on my toes. It was subtle and didn't show up right away when it chipped.  I envied my friends with their fire engine red pedicures.  It just seemed to be too bold of a color to stick on my short, uniquely shaped toes.  But I took the plunge to red this summer and I can't believe I waited so long.  It's like I am a candy apple red sports car when I am wearing sandals.  Vrrrooom.

Make Up

I like natural beauty and all that - but I am so thankful for make up. That way I can enhance what I want you look at and camouflage what I don't want you to notice.

Driving My Own Car Again

Tahoe is back from the shop.  I didn't realize how much I would miss it.  I hope we can keep it running for at least a couple more years.  It has just over 170,000 miles now.  This is really the first major repair we have had to make on it.  We did replace the brakes but that is wear and tear.  And it is so fabulous NOT to have a car payment.

Filing Cabinets

I hate to file.  I really do.  But I am happy to have a way to organize all my paperwork.  I shudder to think how I would find all of the paperwork I have to keep otherwise.
I do get a little wistful at the Staples store when I walk past the electronic receipt and paper organizer.  You just scan it and you have a digital file. Then... wait for it... you throw the paper away.  Forever. Takes up ALOT less space in the house.  I just haven't been able to trust everything to digital yet.  Plus those puppies are expensive.  And - spending money on a/c in the Tahoe comes waaaayyy higher on the priority list than space saving 21st century filing.  But it is on the list.